In the middle of Prague there exists a place called the "lock bridge". People from all over the world come to place a lock on a gate symbolizing their ties to each other. So, naturally my roommate and I, being complete innovators (to say the most), decided to create a list of all the lessons we have learned and lock a tiny piece of paper to a barbed wire fence; in hopes that we will not forget the greatest aspects of this journey.
The paper reads as follows:
I will not lose my soul in a relationship
I will not live my life according to other's standards
I will embrace the past and learn from it
I will not forget those who have helped me, even if they have wronged me
I will give up control when I need to
I will not blame others for my decisions even if they are mistakes
I will open my heart up to different perspectives and learn from them
I will love myself even through the bad
I will accept everyone even if I don't understand their motives (but I will not be naive)
I will help others even through their imperfections
I will have compassion for others despite their imperfections
I will see the beauty in all
I will not resent those who have wronged me (or mocked me)
I will live in the moment but realize the future
I will open myself up to love even if I get hurt
I will not unnecessarily over analyze
I will always follow my heart and listen to my inner voice
I will not expect myself or others to be perfect
I will accept and embrace CHANGE
God made me a good person, even though I am imperfect. I know how to make mistakes and I will continue to; but I will not let them pass by like a flake in the wind. I will learn. I know that I must embrace the past and not deny myself any emotion. Although, I will allow myself to think before I act on said emotions. Everyone needs people, even if we don't want to admit it. And although they may break our hearts, nothing should be out of forgiveness' reach.
Life is a difficult, heart weighing, frightful and beautiful thing. Enjoy it, for nothing compares.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Circling Laughter
We are all running in circles. Our history, our fashion, our experiences, even our emotions are traveling, not in a linear path, but a path that leads only to the beginning. A path producing so much centripetal force that it draws us in, almost against our will.
I woke up a few days ago, laughing histerically. It was laughter without reason; beyond joking, beyond cynicism. I tell you this, not because I want you to make the normal assumption of insanity or pills, but because of the exact opposite. I recall a Czech philosopher that once said, "a man laughs to escape the world; [even if its for a brief moment]." Unopposed, I continued this cycle of "meaningless" laughter throughout my entire day.
In the midst of my hilarious escape, I left all personal logic and emotion behind. Within a brief second, I realized something about myself: I am lonely; because of this, I create this constant internal need to be in a relationship even if I completely despise the person. These are both things that I've understood about myself from previous experience. But, what sets this apart from every other self-incounter is the realization of my result: I will continue on my circular path of self-critisim and disappointment until my entire being consists of only these two aspects.
Kundera labels this state-of-being "Litost". Let me give a brief explanation: Litost is "a state of torment created by the sudden sight of one's own misery." We then, as humans, create two options for ourselves to escape: either, the counterpart involved in the sight of our torment is weaker and we therefore find an excuse to hit them, or they are stronger and all we can do is choose circuitous revenge--"murder by means of suicide". For example: "A child [deliberately] plays a wrong note on his violin over and over until the teacher goes mad and throws him out the window. As he falls, the child is delighted by the thought that the nasty teacher will be charged with murder."
So what happens when we decide neither of these tactics? Do we constantly wallow in self-pity until we go absolutely mad and jump off the nearest pedestrian bridge? Well, yes and no. Speaking from experience, I believe we touch the line between sanity and instability. But something better exists as an outcome: while we are teetering between normality and the "big white jacket" we have lost all control of ourselves. And at this moment, all we can do is scream for something/someone to help us. At this moment, we are forced to rely upon something greater than ourselves.
Now, I am at the Charles Bridge, looking out into the landscape I see a river, a castle and I find myself at a "crossroad" or connecting point between two circles. The first is to give into my personal litost and smite revenge on everyone involved in my torment which will only continue my cycle of criticism and disappointment and the second, give up all control, accept my torment for what it is and pray to God that I don't jump off that bridge.
By choosing the latter, I laugh even harder. I want to escape this state and yet I chose to embrace it. At this moment, from the corner of my eye, I notice someone approaching. As they see me, they jump back about a foot, wide-eyed and nervous they wave to me and I wave back. Who is this person? I have no idea; in fact, the only real look I was able to get was a view of his hand. As he walks away, I continue to slowly recognize who this person is. By the time I have a guess, he is halfway across Prague and I will never see him again.
So what importance does this story carry? This was my closure, the ending of my dreadful litost. The beauty of it; I had no authority in it, no revenge by any means. And for myself, solely, I made a cycle old and a cycle new.
We all are running in circles. But we have a choice in which one we follow.
I woke up a few days ago, laughing histerically. It was laughter without reason; beyond joking, beyond cynicism. I tell you this, not because I want you to make the normal assumption of insanity or pills, but because of the exact opposite. I recall a Czech philosopher that once said, "a man laughs to escape the world; [even if its for a brief moment]." Unopposed, I continued this cycle of "meaningless" laughter throughout my entire day.
In the midst of my hilarious escape, I left all personal logic and emotion behind. Within a brief second, I realized something about myself: I am lonely; because of this, I create this constant internal need to be in a relationship even if I completely despise the person. These are both things that I've understood about myself from previous experience. But, what sets this apart from every other self-incounter is the realization of my result: I will continue on my circular path of self-critisim and disappointment until my entire being consists of only these two aspects.
Kundera labels this state-of-being "Litost". Let me give a brief explanation: Litost is "a state of torment created by the sudden sight of one's own misery." We then, as humans, create two options for ourselves to escape: either, the counterpart involved in the sight of our torment is weaker and we therefore find an excuse to hit them, or they are stronger and all we can do is choose circuitous revenge--"murder by means of suicide". For example: "A child [deliberately] plays a wrong note on his violin over and over until the teacher goes mad and throws him out the window. As he falls, the child is delighted by the thought that the nasty teacher will be charged with murder."
So what happens when we decide neither of these tactics? Do we constantly wallow in self-pity until we go absolutely mad and jump off the nearest pedestrian bridge? Well, yes and no. Speaking from experience, I believe we touch the line between sanity and instability. But something better exists as an outcome: while we are teetering between normality and the "big white jacket" we have lost all control of ourselves. And at this moment, all we can do is scream for something/someone to help us. At this moment, we are forced to rely upon something greater than ourselves.
Now, I am at the Charles Bridge, looking out into the landscape I see a river, a castle and I find myself at a "crossroad" or connecting point between two circles. The first is to give into my personal litost and smite revenge on everyone involved in my torment which will only continue my cycle of criticism and disappointment and the second, give up all control, accept my torment for what it is and pray to God that I don't jump off that bridge.
By choosing the latter, I laugh even harder. I want to escape this state and yet I chose to embrace it. At this moment, from the corner of my eye, I notice someone approaching. As they see me, they jump back about a foot, wide-eyed and nervous they wave to me and I wave back. Who is this person? I have no idea; in fact, the only real look I was able to get was a view of his hand. As he walks away, I continue to slowly recognize who this person is. By the time I have a guess, he is halfway across Prague and I will never see him again.
So what importance does this story carry? This was my closure, the ending of my dreadful litost. The beauty of it; I had no authority in it, no revenge by any means. And for myself, solely, I made a cycle old and a cycle new.
We all are running in circles. But we have a choice in which one we follow.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Parting with Problems
"you can't run away from your problems".
I still believe word choice is key. Its funny; our generation has changed the meaning of the word "cannot" so much, in fact, that it has almost completely morphed into a synonym for "may not". Now all I am able to imagine when I hear this expression is my mother with the "no" finger in my face, shaking it back-and-forth. And this time, against my character, I am not digressing and my imagery actually carries a point:
Up until recently, I thought that running away was something of a rebellion rather than ignorance. I would take a deep breath when I finally reached my "safe point" and convince myself that this had to be a distance no issue could aquire. And, yet again, I was wrong. For as the saying goes, we [literally] cannot run away from our past.
Once more, I would like to draw this experience toward Kundera. I recall a quote by him that says, "[people] shout that they want to shape a better future, but it's not true. The future is only an indifferent void no one cares about, but the past is filled with life, and its countenance is irritating, repellent, wounding, to the point that we want to destroy or repaint it. We want to be masters of the future only for the power to change the past." But this is a problem. We try to change our experiences in life by running, replacing, forgetting; and ultimately we find ourselves in an "indifferent void" not of the future but of complete ignorance. Contrary to the quote, "ignorance is bliss", this new and futuristic "ignorant bubble" takes all of the power to control our own lives completely out of our hands.Imagine wrapping up your entire being in big purple wrapping paper and giving it to your coworker as a belated birthday present. So where does this lead us? Without the past, we are no longer humans. We are, for lack of a better term within my internal dictionary, highly functioning robots.
With this being said, I believe there is a higher reason for our inability to run away from problems: Simply, we NEED the past; the horrible, gut wrenching, heart breaking past. Because without it, we are like trapped souls destined, only, for our future in purgatory.
When we die, what we lose is never the future, but the past.
I still believe word choice is key. Its funny; our generation has changed the meaning of the word "cannot" so much, in fact, that it has almost completely morphed into a synonym for "may not". Now all I am able to imagine when I hear this expression is my mother with the "no" finger in my face, shaking it back-and-forth. And this time, against my character, I am not digressing and my imagery actually carries a point:
Up until recently, I thought that running away was something of a rebellion rather than ignorance. I would take a deep breath when I finally reached my "safe point" and convince myself that this had to be a distance no issue could aquire. And, yet again, I was wrong. For as the saying goes, we [literally] cannot run away from our past.
Once more, I would like to draw this experience toward Kundera. I recall a quote by him that says, "[people] shout that they want to shape a better future, but it's not true. The future is only an indifferent void no one cares about, but the past is filled with life, and its countenance is irritating, repellent, wounding, to the point that we want to destroy or repaint it. We want to be masters of the future only for the power to change the past." But this is a problem. We try to change our experiences in life by running, replacing, forgetting; and ultimately we find ourselves in an "indifferent void" not of the future but of complete ignorance. Contrary to the quote, "ignorance is bliss", this new and futuristic "ignorant bubble" takes all of the power to control our own lives completely out of our hands.Imagine wrapping up your entire being in big purple wrapping paper and giving it to your coworker as a belated birthday present. So where does this lead us? Without the past, we are no longer humans. We are, for lack of a better term within my internal dictionary, highly functioning robots.
With this being said, I believe there is a higher reason for our inability to run away from problems: Simply, we NEED the past; the horrible, gut wrenching, heart breaking past. Because without it, we are like trapped souls destined, only, for our future in purgatory.
When we die, what we lose is never the future, but the past.
Friday, March 11, 2011
"Humanization"
Take a leap off the edge into the unknown darkness, to a place where time means nothing; where everything is still. That is where I am, and that is where I wish to stay.
A wise professor once told me the only thing in life that will never change, is change. So if change is so consistent in our lives, why do we still fear it? If we continuously experience the same wonderful situation, we will never understand defeat and will have nothing to compare. I believe true happiness does not show itself through repitition; for what is joy without a bit of sorrow.
In the spirit of Prague, I read a book by Milan Kundera. He referenced a German quote, translated, "If we only have one life to live, then we might as well have never lived at all." Kundera recognized that because we only have one life, we have nothing to compare our "right" and "wrong" decisions to. But isn't that the beauty of living! Being able to make mistakes; for without these terrible decisions, we will never understand complete bliss. This is why I embrace being human.
So why not ignore time; why not jump off the ledge? There exists only two possible outcomes: the first: you hit rock bottom; which is humbling and full of wisdom. And the other: you realize, even for just a brief moment, that you can actually fly.
The most beautiful aspect of life is being capable of making mistakes.
A wise professor once told me the only thing in life that will never change, is change. So if change is so consistent in our lives, why do we still fear it? If we continuously experience the same wonderful situation, we will never understand defeat and will have nothing to compare. I believe true happiness does not show itself through repitition; for what is joy without a bit of sorrow.
In the spirit of Prague, I read a book by Milan Kundera. He referenced a German quote, translated, "If we only have one life to live, then we might as well have never lived at all." Kundera recognized that because we only have one life, we have nothing to compare our "right" and "wrong" decisions to. But isn't that the beauty of living! Being able to make mistakes; for without these terrible decisions, we will never understand complete bliss. This is why I embrace being human.
So why not ignore time; why not jump off the ledge? There exists only two possible outcomes: the first: you hit rock bottom; which is humbling and full of wisdom. And the other: you realize, even for just a brief moment, that you can actually fly.
The most beautiful aspect of life is being capable of making mistakes.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Acknowledged and Approved
In coming to Prague I was able to realize something about myself that is slightly terrifying: the unconditional need for approval. Because of this language barrier, I didn't know the words "I'm sorry", and therefore was able to consciously realize how many times I say that phrase in my life. I felt terrible about everything I did, whether it was bumping into someone or expressing my opinion, even if it wasn't necessary, I would add it to everything.
I believe we all look for approval. We feed off of what others, that surround us, think about the way we act, how we dress, our thoughts, our opinions. We dive into this approved pool; only to find out that we have lost every part of what makes us each unique individuals. I was, and still am to an extent, trapped in this barrier of "It's okay"s and "Great job"s.
Our fear comes from within. It prevents dreams, hopes, ambitions, desires, loves. It clings to our inner soul screaming, "If only you were as good as...then you could be who you were meant to be on this earth."
But I believe half the battle is won by just acknowledging this inner issue. And resolving it only reaps greater rewards. Let me explain, for a lifetime I was extremely afraid of doing anything in front of others: singing, playing the piano... I was afraid of judgement, afraid of disapproval. The only way I could confront this circulating fear, was to challenge it. So I would play, I would sing, I would speak, I would dance. I would make myself look like a complete "fool", only to realize that I didn't feel foolish at all. In fact, it became so routine that my mind didn't even question what others around me thought.
Now to the other side of this dreadful topic: judgement. For those of us, I regret to say myself included, who judge others because they are different or make choices that we do not agree with: we are vain. Not only that, we are sick. We are the ones that are creating the complexes that others have to live with, that we all have to live with.
In creating a balance of fearlessness and modesty, we can change ourselves and impact the world.
I believe we all look for approval. We feed off of what others, that surround us, think about the way we act, how we dress, our thoughts, our opinions. We dive into this approved pool; only to find out that we have lost every part of what makes us each unique individuals. I was, and still am to an extent, trapped in this barrier of "It's okay"s and "Great job"s.
Our fear comes from within. It prevents dreams, hopes, ambitions, desires, loves. It clings to our inner soul screaming, "If only you were as good as...then you could be who you were meant to be on this earth."
But I believe half the battle is won by just acknowledging this inner issue. And resolving it only reaps greater rewards. Let me explain, for a lifetime I was extremely afraid of doing anything in front of others: singing, playing the piano... I was afraid of judgement, afraid of disapproval. The only way I could confront this circulating fear, was to challenge it. So I would play, I would sing, I would speak, I would dance. I would make myself look like a complete "fool", only to realize that I didn't feel foolish at all. In fact, it became so routine that my mind didn't even question what others around me thought.
Now to the other side of this dreadful topic: judgement. For those of us, I regret to say myself included, who judge others because they are different or make choices that we do not agree with: we are vain. Not only that, we are sick. We are the ones that are creating the complexes that others have to live with, that we all have to live with.
In creating a balance of fearlessness and modesty, we can change ourselves and impact the world.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
The Grudge
I was given the opportunity to visit a concentration camp built in the Czech Republic a few days ago. The name "Terezin", still sends a ghostly haunt down my spine. While visiting both the "burned-down" city as well as the camp, I found myself sitting in an interview with a woman who survived the Holocaust. The only thing I could remember, aside from tragic events, was her positive, radiating energy.
I thought.
We all carry grudges; whether big or small, "smart" or dumb. We cling to them as if our lives depended on remembering that one crime, done to us, that someone "got away with". We sue, we gossip, we scream, we blame, we cry, we get revenge. We HATE.
This woman was able to live through what most of us could never imagine, and yet, she sees light. Not only that, she sees the beauty in people that beat her, that literally harmed her, that took from her something she could never get back: her relationships, her family, her life. Still, she blames noone; she holds no deathly emotions toward any person.
I believe its true when they say "love sets you free". It can help the lonely, the poor, the angry, the hurt.
Again, to my point: holding a grudge in life is like creating an obstacle course for yourself. We will never find happiness if we don't let go of what and, the inevitable "why", things happen to us.
Life without love, is not life at all.
I thought.
We all carry grudges; whether big or small, "smart" or dumb. We cling to them as if our lives depended on remembering that one crime, done to us, that someone "got away with". We sue, we gossip, we scream, we blame, we cry, we get revenge. We HATE.
This woman was able to live through what most of us could never imagine, and yet, she sees light. Not only that, she sees the beauty in people that beat her, that literally harmed her, that took from her something she could never get back: her relationships, her family, her life. Still, she blames noone; she holds no deathly emotions toward any person.
I believe its true when they say "love sets you free". It can help the lonely, the poor, the angry, the hurt.
Again, to my point: holding a grudge in life is like creating an obstacle course for yourself. We will never find happiness if we don't let go of what and, the inevitable "why", things happen to us.
Life without love, is not life at all.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Fate or Fiction
I was speaking with a guy from Finland a few nights back. He mentioned his coming to Prague was something of a beautiful accident. I thought for a minute; I don't believe anything is an accident. If you honestly stop and think about what events brought you to that point in your present life, you would notice that way too many "accidents" had to happen. I believe in "shifting fate". Let me explain: The choices we make in our present state affect where fate leads us, but ultimately, nothing is just by accidental events.
We are all part of a design far greater than ourselves. We all have the freedom to make choices, although some may be considered "good", others "bad", both shift our fate and create who we are and who we will become. But these choices and this fate is never by mishap; I believe it's part of a greater purpose. For example: I made a choice to date someone, it didn't turn out well, but it pushed me to Prague. Where I had to make a decision about my living arrangements, and a date, and a time. Where, then, I had to "accidently" become too sick to go out and tour the city on that day, had to wake up at a certain "random" time and meet the man that lead me to write this particular blog entry. Because of these "accidents" I was given the opportunity to look at something in my life with a completely different perspective. To my point: We may feel like we are all walking around in random events, but everything in life is connected by a purpose of fate.
Nothing in life is a "Beautiful Accident", its just "Beautiful".
We are all part of a design far greater than ourselves. We all have the freedom to make choices, although some may be considered "good", others "bad", both shift our fate and create who we are and who we will become. But these choices and this fate is never by mishap; I believe it's part of a greater purpose. For example: I made a choice to date someone, it didn't turn out well, but it pushed me to Prague. Where I had to make a decision about my living arrangements, and a date, and a time. Where, then, I had to "accidently" become too sick to go out and tour the city on that day, had to wake up at a certain "random" time and meet the man that lead me to write this particular blog entry. Because of these "accidents" I was given the opportunity to look at something in my life with a completely different perspective. To my point: We may feel like we are all walking around in random events, but everything in life is connected by a purpose of fate.
Nothing in life is a "Beautiful Accident", its just "Beautiful".
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