Acknowledged and Approved

In coming to Prague I was able to realize something about myself that is slightly terrifying: the unconditional need for approval. Because of this language barrier, I didn't know the words "I'm sorry", and therefore was able to consciously realize how many times I say that phrase in my life. I felt terrible about everything I did, whether it was bumping into someone or expressing my opinion, even if it wasn't necessary, I would add it to everything.

I believe we all look for approval. We feed off of what others, that surround us, think about the way we act, how we dress, our thoughts, our opinions. We dive into this approved pool; only to find out that we have lost every part of what makes us each unique individuals. I was, and still am to an extent, trapped in this barrier of "It's okay"s and "Great job"s.

Our fear comes from within. It prevents dreams, hopes, ambitions, desires, loves. It clings to our inner soul screaming, "If only you were as good as...then you could be who you were meant to be on this earth."

But I believe half the battle is won by just acknowledging this inner issue. And resolving it only reaps greater rewards. Let me explain, for a lifetime I was extremely afraid of doing anything in front of others: singing, playing the piano... I was afraid of judgement, afraid of disapproval. The only way I could confront this circulating fear, was to challenge it. So I would play, I would sing, I would speak, I would dance. I would make myself look like a complete "fool", only to realize that I didn't feel foolish at all. In fact, it became so routine that my mind didn't even question what others around me thought.

Now to the other side of this dreadful topic: judgement. For those of us, I regret to say myself included, who judge others because they are different or make choices that we do not agree with: we are vain. Not only that, we are sick. We are the ones that are creating the complexes that others have to live with, that we all have to live with.

In creating a balance of fearlessness and modesty, we can change ourselves and impact the world.

The Grudge

I was given the opportunity to visit a concentration camp built in the Czech Republic a few days ago. The name "Terezin", still sends a ghostly haunt down my spine. While visiting both the "burned-down" city as well as the camp, I found myself sitting in an interview with a woman who survived the Holocaust. The only thing I could remember, aside from tragic events, was her positive, radiating energy.

I thought.

We all carry grudges; whether big or small, "smart" or dumb. We cling to them as if our lives depended on remembering that one crime, done to us, that someone "got away with". We sue, we gossip, we scream, we blame, we cry, we get revenge. We HATE.

This woman was able to live through what most of us could never imagine, and yet, she sees light. Not only that, she sees the beauty in people that beat her, that literally harmed her, that took from her something she could never get back: her relationships, her family, her life. Still, she blames noone; she holds no deathly emotions toward any person.

I believe its true when they say "love sets you free". It can help the lonely, the poor, the angry, the hurt.

Again, to my point: holding a grudge in life is like creating an obstacle course for yourself. We will never find happiness if we don't let go of what and, the inevitable "why", things happen to us.

Life without love, is not life at all.

Fate or Fiction

I was speaking with a guy from Finland a few nights back. He mentioned his coming to Prague was something of a beautiful accident. I thought for a minute; I don't believe anything is an accident. If you honestly stop and think about what events brought you to that point in your present life, you would notice that way too many "accidents" had to happen. I believe in "shifting fate". Let me explain: The choices we make in our present state affect where fate leads us, but ultimately, nothing is just by accidental events.

We are all part of a design far greater than ourselves. We all have the freedom to make choices, although some may be considered "good", others "bad", both shift our fate and create who we are and who we will become. But these choices and this fate is never by mishap; I believe it's part of a greater purpose. For example: I made a choice to date someone, it didn't turn out well, but it pushed me to Prague. Where I had to make a decision about my living arrangements, and a date, and a time. Where, then, I had to "accidently" become too sick to go out and tour the city on that day, had to wake up at a certain "random" time and meet the man that lead me to write this particular blog entry. Because of these "accidents" I was given the opportunity to look at something in my life with a completely different perspective. To my point: We may feel like we are all walking around in random events, but everything in life is connected by a purpose of fate.

Nothing in life is a "Beautiful Accident", its just "Beautiful".

Concerning Paths

Its only when you have to rely solely on yourself do you actually find who you are.

We are all walking around in a figurative dark, messy room, looking for the light. On our way we may stumble and fall over the chair in the center, but most of us pick ourselves up because if we don't we'll just be lying there, in the darkness, wishing someone would turn on that stupid light. What I mean to say is, nothing in our lives will change if we don't get up and change it. Yes, cliche, I know...but sometimes the most "superficial" cliche is quite insightful.

I believe we all really do want to find ourselves. But we don't want to be uncomfortable in the process. I'll take myself, for instance. I have no confidence and in order to balance that I thought I needed "someone special" in my life. I couldn't ever be "alone". I prayed every night to find the "love of my life" so I could just feel better, but as long as I looked, the "right" person never fell into my arms. I kicked and screamed, asking "why can't I just have what I want?"... but I didn't want to hear the answer.

This journey is not even close to over, but with every step I learn something about myself that I never knew. It's giving me the confidence to actually understand and appreciate who I am, as well as, who I should become. I was worried about coming to Prague alone, but I see value in doing the things that I am meant to do. Although, sometimes I'm not sure what they might be. I believe that if we just stop fighting about what WE want to do in life, we will actually make a difference in this world. Let me explain: We all walk around in this dark room and "God is light". If we just listen and ask for directions, we will stop running the wrong way.

Beauty and confidence lie only within understanding and following each of our own, unique paths.

Ahoj, Ahoj!

I never want to leave Prague. I was transferred to a single room upstairs. I never thought I would appreciate my "own" room as much as I do now. I met a few more people from America a few days back. They are studying abroad in Vienna, Austria and traveling through Prague. Its amazing how you can meet someone who is just the same as you and lives thousands of miles away. I love meeting new people; I guess thats why this experience is working out so well for me.

I wish I could explain the beauty and magic in traveling, especially to Prague. Buildings here are from the 1300s; to touch the same stone as someone who lived over 700 years ago is a dream for me. I believe its because for that one instant you were able to cross paths with someone you've never, and will never meet. This world consists of connections; whether it be with you and the bum on the metro or with the super good-looking man from Holland...Its amazing how big, and small, the world actually is. Whatever the case, Prague's buildings don't just "tell" stories...they make you a part of them.

We are all making history. Don't let yourself die with your body.

Back to the Future

T-9 hours and 9 minutes until total mental liquidation! If I could choose one word to describe this past week...I am incapable of thinking of such a word; although "AHHHH!!" comes to mind. At some point I even began to believe that I would pull out enough of my hair to be considered for a rogain campaign...but I digress. Its been a total struggle getting to this point. Through sacrifice of time and money, and degredation of work and personal relationships, I'm still breathing. Although, I finally understand the figurative meaning of the "emotional roller-coaster".
But, you know, these are the moments we live for: being awkward and alone in an airport 1,500 miles away from what we consider to be "home", waiting for a flight and actually understanding what it means to finally DO something. If you take nothing else from my blog, remember this: Everyone has a drive and a purpose. We love things, we love people; we pursue things, we pursue people. But sometimes what you believe is the "best" thing [the best person] for your life, actually turns out to be the one thing that will kill you in the end. This one obsessive thing; you push and fight and try to control; because you honestly believe life, no matter how beautiful, would be cruel and dull without it. Its true, love and passion are amazing emotions, but we should strive to love and be passionate about the goals and people that won't corrode and destroy every part of us in the process. This is difficult, because in order to do this, we HAVE to give up our need for control. To my point: There were times when I didn't want to do this, when I didn't feel like there was a way out...but I have no doubt that I was meant to be here, right here, in this strange and awkwardly quiet airport seat. I don't know why, but I am happy.

The Comfortable Box

There comes a time in every person's life when they realize that they have no idea what they're doing. Let me explain: I am leaving my job, my lab, my family, my friends...my LIFE, to study in a foreign country. The only possible explanation: I have officially become senile and now must be thrown into a very comfortable room, with a very uncomfortable white jacket.

I have convinced myself that this is for my own good, that something great will happen and that I will become a better, more enlightened person because of it. In the midst of pre-departure paper work, I finally notice that I have gone too far to change my mind and that, of course, is when I begin to question my abilities and my reasoning.

Maybe for an instance, I was marveled by the idea of going abroad, of creating a "new chapter" in my life. But now, that emotion is consumed by the guilt of leaving and the fear of change. Why do people fear change? Is it that we fear the "unknown"? Or is it that we propose the inevitable question: Is this the right thing to do?

So this is what I have been reduced to: fear due to loss of control. Why, as humans, do we feel this "need" to be in control of every aspect of our lives?  I do believe the answer to that lies in all of our lost opportunities and "sour-relationships". I digress...

I am blessed. I have a great job, wonderful friends and family and have been given opportunities that most can only dream of. But that is part of my problem: In these blessings, in this comfort, I have done nothing worthy of acknowledgement. I believe I have created, and lived within, my comfortable box for way too long. I regret to say: up until now, I have been consumed by my own ambitions and my own rewards. I can't even imagine how many times I talk or think about myself in a day. Perhaps that is where I am going wrong. I forget that this experience isn't just about me. It's not just another "application advantage".

I remember reading a novel by Don Miller that says "People are food for the spirit.": there is some sort of beauty, to me, in being able to overcome barriers such as language and tradition to hear a person’s mind and perspective. My assumptions say, if I can break out of the monotonous life I have placed myself in, I will be able to realize that everything is not about me; that everyone is a something of a book, which can impact our lives in such a way that we will never be the same again. I could be completely wrong in saying this, but I think that the people who apply for study abroad don’t want the traditional education that is offered in the United States; they want to experience culture, understanding, tolerance and ultimately, unconditional love for the existence of all types of people. That is the case for me, anyway.

And so, I break through my comfortable box and ultimately, my need for control. Although it may make me uneasy at first, I know that in this "uncomfort" I will find something worth while, something great, something beautiful.