There comes a time in every person's life when they realize that they have no idea what they're doing. Let me explain: I am leaving my job, my lab, my family, my friends...my LIFE, to study in a foreign country. The only possible explanation: I have officially become senile and now must be thrown into a very comfortable room, with a very uncomfortable white jacket.
I have convinced myself that this is for my own good, that something great will happen and that I will become a better, more enlightened person because of it. In the midst of pre-departure paper work, I finally notice that I have gone too far to change my mind and that, of course, is when I begin to question my abilities and my reasoning.
Maybe for an instance, I was marveled by the idea of going abroad, of creating a "new chapter" in my life. But now, that emotion is consumed by the guilt of leaving and the fear of change. Why do people fear change? Is it that we fear the "unknown"? Or is it that we propose the inevitable question: Is this the right thing to do?
So this is what I have been reduced to: fear due to loss of control. Why, as humans, do we feel this "need" to be in control of every aspect of our lives? I do believe the answer to that lies in all of our lost opportunities and "sour-relationships". I digress...
I am blessed. I have a great job, wonderful friends and family and have been given opportunities that most can only dream of. But that is part of my problem: In these blessings, in this comfort, I have done nothing worthy of acknowledgement. I believe I have created, and lived within, my comfortable box for way too long. I regret to say: up until now, I have been consumed by my own ambitions and my own rewards. I can't even imagine how many times I talk or think about myself in a day. Perhaps that is where I am going wrong. I forget that this experience isn't just about me. It's not just another "application advantage".
I remember reading a novel by Don Miller that says "People are food for the spirit.": there is some sort of beauty, to me, in being able to overcome barriers such as language and tradition to hear a person’s mind and perspective. My assumptions say, if I can break out of the monotonous life I have placed myself in, I will be able to realize that everything is not about me; that everyone is a something of a book, which can impact our lives in such a way that we will never be the same again. I could be completely wrong in saying this, but I think that the people who apply for study abroad don’t want the traditional education that is offered in the United States; they want to experience culture, understanding, tolerance and ultimately, unconditional love for the existence of all types of people. That is the case for me, anyway.
And so, I break through my comfortable box and ultimately, my need for control. Although it may make me uneasy at first, I know that in this "uncomfort" I will find something worth while, something great, something beautiful.
