Acknowledged and Approved

In coming to Prague I was able to realize something about myself that is slightly terrifying: the unconditional need for approval. Because of this language barrier, I didn't know the words "I'm sorry", and therefore was able to consciously realize how many times I say that phrase in my life. I felt terrible about everything I did, whether it was bumping into someone or expressing my opinion, even if it wasn't necessary, I would add it to everything.

I believe we all look for approval. We feed off of what others, that surround us, think about the way we act, how we dress, our thoughts, our opinions. We dive into this approved pool; only to find out that we have lost every part of what makes us each unique individuals. I was, and still am to an extent, trapped in this barrier of "It's okay"s and "Great job"s.

Our fear comes from within. It prevents dreams, hopes, ambitions, desires, loves. It clings to our inner soul screaming, "If only you were as good as...then you could be who you were meant to be on this earth."

But I believe half the battle is won by just acknowledging this inner issue. And resolving it only reaps greater rewards. Let me explain, for a lifetime I was extremely afraid of doing anything in front of others: singing, playing the piano... I was afraid of judgement, afraid of disapproval. The only way I could confront this circulating fear, was to challenge it. So I would play, I would sing, I would speak, I would dance. I would make myself look like a complete "fool", only to realize that I didn't feel foolish at all. In fact, it became so routine that my mind didn't even question what others around me thought.

Now to the other side of this dreadful topic: judgement. For those of us, I regret to say myself included, who judge others because they are different or make choices that we do not agree with: we are vain. Not only that, we are sick. We are the ones that are creating the complexes that others have to live with, that we all have to live with.

In creating a balance of fearlessness and modesty, we can change ourselves and impact the world.

The Grudge

I was given the opportunity to visit a concentration camp built in the Czech Republic a few days ago. The name "Terezin", still sends a ghostly haunt down my spine. While visiting both the "burned-down" city as well as the camp, I found myself sitting in an interview with a woman who survived the Holocaust. The only thing I could remember, aside from tragic events, was her positive, radiating energy.

I thought.

We all carry grudges; whether big or small, "smart" or dumb. We cling to them as if our lives depended on remembering that one crime, done to us, that someone "got away with". We sue, we gossip, we scream, we blame, we cry, we get revenge. We HATE.

This woman was able to live through what most of us could never imagine, and yet, she sees light. Not only that, she sees the beauty in people that beat her, that literally harmed her, that took from her something she could never get back: her relationships, her family, her life. Still, she blames noone; she holds no deathly emotions toward any person.

I believe its true when they say "love sets you free". It can help the lonely, the poor, the angry, the hurt.

Again, to my point: holding a grudge in life is like creating an obstacle course for yourself. We will never find happiness if we don't let go of what and, the inevitable "why", things happen to us.

Life without love, is not life at all.